Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
