hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
