she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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