she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
