sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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