why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
