her vagine was all disorganized.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
