Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
