is your mom at the bar?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
