Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
