So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
