why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My pussy is not your playground.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
