I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
