you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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