I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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