I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
