Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
