just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
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