I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
