Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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