I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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