he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
