Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
