Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Couch. On fire.
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