Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
