have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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