Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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