I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
and you said cock pushups were impossible
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
