Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
