Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
