K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
