Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
