I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
