He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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