My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Dick very happy bro
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
