Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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