Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
We're too hungover to prance.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
