3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
