All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
