Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just made my gag reflex go away.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
