and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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