he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
