That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Randomize
