Are we in a gay sports bar?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
