I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
