Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
