Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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