I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
