maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize
