Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Randomize
