you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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